I have been absent for a while. No apologies for that. Only that dull aching feeling of 'Should'. THAT sensation of 'I should be blogging...', 'I should be doing this...', 'I should be feeling this, or that, or the other...', 'This is distraction, I should get on with the important stuff...' Locked up in my mind for a while with the monster of Should rattling the bars and roaring at me. BETTER yet than Should, I turn to the monster and face him level-eyed, staring him down and spit out my truth, 'Maybe you're right. I Could. Why am I not doing it then.' A crucial part of mental training is the language that I frame it in. Care-fully considering how to phrase a question or suggestion or idea or logic. Should is a debilitating word, it is the monster that shakes the cages, it rattles the bars and roars at me when I want to sleep, and howls when I am busy running to keep up with all those important little things that need to happen. As I run the Should nudges and shoves at me, do this, what about that, over there, and don't forget to do the laundry. STARING down the Should Monster and rewiring him with a Could liberates my time, my life, my words, my actions and my decisions. I could be blogging, why don't I. I could get up earlier and do this work, what reason do I stay in bed for? I could continue to not eat sugar and feel better in my body, what is my pay out in consuming? THE Could can be turned back around to a question. The Should is only highlighting with bright burning spotlights the problem. This is the issue, here, look at this, ha ha, I found one, Should be doing this. This one, right here, forget that stuff, look what I found. I don't like the Should Monster. He does not serve me and I do not want him in my life. WHAT you focus on grows. And when I take heed of the Should Monster's words and listen and throw my attention on his problems what do I receive? I receive more. More problems, more spotlights, more Should. The first one never served me, so why keep accepting these suggestions from this monster? MEANWHILE, all the time I have been stumbling through dark chasms of grief, past and present with occasional snapshots of the dark moments of the future. Should shoving me and telling me that this is not what is important right now. Forget that, do this. My mind un-prepared and un-willing to engage. Just needing to do stupid things to re-fill with empty crisp goodness. Shinning and scuffing my way up climbing routes, winding a canoe across a lake or down a river. Cycling the long way home and hitting long sections off road with no lights and starring at the fractions of full moon splintering through the trees and digging out my phone to navigate the river side path by the flash light on the top! Stupid, pointless, late-night distractions. YET all so valuable in my steady re-covering of this death, and those deaths of old that I paint over with my grief to allow in and forget all at once. To let me sit down here again, as 7am approaches and the lights plays over the curtains casting yellow and blue strips across the room. AND here I am. Again. Re-starting. Ok. Let's go play. Thank you for your patience. ACM The Rainbow Curtains in the Living Room.
Sometimes crazy ideas work really well!
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AuthorAndy Clubley-Moore: joyful outdoor sports activist, writer, father, husband. Lover of life, activity, success and barefoot living. |